A Glimpse Into My Book

(Here is a glimpse into my book . . .)

Where’s Jamie?  I hear my two and a half year old daughter wake from her nap.  I steal another moment to set the timer on the dryer and close the door. Rubbing my swollen belly, I arch my back as the baby presses on my ribs.  I listen for Jamie, but can no longer here her.  Where is Jamie?   I search the house for those piercing blue eyes.   Expecting to see her blond curls around each corner, I run up and down the stairs.  She is not in the house.  Adrenaline takes over, my pace quickens as this mother bear lumbers out the front door.  Jamie has never ventured outside on her own.   “Where would my timid little girl go?” I wonder.  I give no thought to looking in the pool.  After all it is winter.  A decaying leafy green  stew fill the pool.  Frogs have made their home in the pond like habitat.  I scour the sprawling lawn, look behind fences and round the corner into the back yard.  I freeze momentarily, eyes open wide, unconsciously, I hold my breath. 

Before me, my young sons cry out, Jamie Jamie! 

My sandals fly off my feet as I stumble toward them.  “Pull her out,” I scream to my sons.  I bolt up the red brick steps as my son jumps in the pool.  In his 7 year old fashion, he drags Jamie’s body to the edge.  His brother braces himself on the side of the pool, reaches in and grabs her arm.  Together they hoist Jamie’s small lifeless body from the mirky green water. 

With no regard to my huge middle, I collapse by Jamie’s side. The rough pebbled decking unforgivingly distresses our skin.  “Momentarily, I wonder if the rocks hurt her head.”  Quickly the thought dissipates and I check for signs of life.  An innocent fawn walks into dangers path, she lies crumpled, lifeless in my arms.  “Why isn’t she waking up like in the movies,”  I gasp?  My young sons huddle together watching the drama unfold. Helpless, scared and in a state of shock they sob for their only sister. 

Unwilling to accept this nightmare as my reality, an undeniable power courses through my Being. “This is not going to happen!  I know Jamie can be healed, if I have enough faith.”  I call upon the powers of heaven and begin CPR, my husband Steve, calls 911.  When the paramedics arrive, Jamie has a pulse.  

In the PICU, Jamie lies as if sleeping amid a tangle of wires, probes and tubes.  The ventilator methodically pumps, in and out without tiring.  Steady beeping of the monitors pounds in my head.  In a trance, I stare at the screens.  The baby within my womb kicks.  Pressure on my cervix mounts as another contraction takes hold.  I grab the railing on Jamie’s bed, close my eyes and breath slowly, in time with the ventilator until the pain subsides. 

“How will I survive loosing Jamie,  and love this new baby after I’ve buried my heart with my sweet daughter?” “How do I live knowing Jamie died on my watch?”

Years of depression brings me to a point of decision.  “Do I stay in the grave with Jamie, or do I choose life?”

Embarking on a fifteen year journey of self discovery, childhood core beliefs dissolve, understanding prevails, and love fills my Being. 

I learn to play!  Skydiving, parasailing, and swimming with dolphins fill my soul.  I ride my bike a hundred miles, and I walk on fire.

Sharing my newfound zeal for life and assisting others to remember their wholeness is my ultimate high.